Friday, June 27, 2008

Goodbye Cruel World

I'm going to die. I'm going to die an awful, painful, disgusting death, and probably soon. How do I know this? Because, as a favor to all of you, I break chain letters. That's right, all of those curses and threats that accompany chain letters fall on me. I do this not because I have a Messianic complex. Rather I do it to free all of you from the guilt that comes if you don't comply with all of the rules in a chain letter.

Here is what I have learned from my chain-breaking so far:

  • I don't love Jesus because I don't forward all of the letters that tell me that only 3% of the people will forward them.
  • I will never have good luck. Ever, ever ever.
  • I will never get $$ from Bill Gates or AOL for forwarding emails that are being tracked
  • Some dying kid will not have the requisite number of greeting/business cards he/she wants before he/she dies
  • I'll never have the Nieman Marcus cookie recipe
  • I will never get rich with some money from a Nigerian Princess
Just so you know, I will do this until my horrible fate befalls me. Each and every chain letter and email that requires me to forward it to X number of people to prove some point will meet a quick death in my inbox. Guaranteed, no questions asked. All I ask is that one of you take up the reigns and continue this service after I get sucked through a sewer, killed by a madman, lost at sea, or whatever calamity the chain letter deities wish to unleash on my mortal body.

You can thank me in the next life



bishopman said...

Thank you for your sacrifice. You're like the guy in the war movies diving on the live grenade.

We are all humbly in thy debt.

john rister said...

Amen Amen Amen Amen Amen Amen Amen Amen Amen

You are just cruel!!!!!!!!!

Ha Ha Ha

Stacey said...


I would carry on for you, but alas! I am destined to the same fate.... I rarely if ever forward these things on ESPECIALLY if there is a dire threat attached!

Btw, I loved your analogy on lauren's blog of ditching the trash before meeting our authority! So did my mom!

Joanne said...

I thank you so much!