Goodbye Cruel World

I'm going to die. I'm going to die an awful, painful, disgusting death, and probably soon. How do I know this? Because, as a favor to all of you, I break chain letters. That's right, all of those curses and threats that accompany chain letters fall on me. I do this not because I have a Messianic complex. Rather I do it to free all of you from the guilt that comes if you don't comply with all of the rules in a chain letter.

Here is what I have learned from my chain-breaking so far:

• I don't love Jesus because I don't forward all of the letters that tell me that only 3% of the people will forward them.
• I will never have good luck. Ever, ever ever.
• I will never get $$ from Bill Gates or AOL for forwarding emails that are being tracked
• Some dying kid will not have the requisite number of greeting/business cards he/she wants before he/she dies
• I'll never have the Nieman Marcus cookie recipe
• I will never get rich with some money from a Nigerian Princess

Just so you know, I will do this until my horrible fate befalls me. Each and every chain letter and email that requires me to forward it to X number of people to prove some point will meet a quick death in my inbox. Guaranteed, no questions asked. All I ask is that one of you take up the reigns and continue this service after I get sucked through a sewer, killed by a madman, lost at sea, or whatever calamity the chain letter deities wish to unleash on my mortal body.

You can thank me in the next life

Roy